Confidence. ...?

One of the hardest things for pregnant women to do after losing an earlier pregnancy is to have confidence that this time, things will work out.

I'm struggling with that one myself these days.

13 weeks and 3 days and I haven't been able to bring myself to make the pregnancy public knowledge at work, even though I am running out of days where I can conceal my changing size. I'm obsessing over the how and when of that one far more than I should be. We haven't really told many friends yet either, though announcing to family will be green-lighted on Monday evening.

Aside from occasional thrift store finds, I haven't brought myself to buy many maternity clothes. The one thing I have bought, a loose poncho-like sweater that will fit over a large winter bump, still has the tags on it. You know, just in case.

I found two funny maternity t-shirts online that I'd like to order. (One glows in the dark, and that's always a winner with me!) But I couldn't convince myself to do it. "Why spend the money," my nervous inner voice whispers, "when there are no guarantees? You could be mere days away from having it all crash down around you again..."

Yes, I could be. Or I could be six months away from having my world narrow down to the input and output procedures of a very small human. I need to have confidence in that second outcome. Even when that confidence has been shattered twice before.

If I figure out the secret to that, I'll let you know.