When to tell?

A common question that expecting parents ask themselves is "when do I tell my family and friends?" This is a particularly difficult question for me due to my previous miscarriage. I even wrote a huge post about miscarriage a month ago and it's still in the "draft" menu because I haven't found the courage to post it yet.

The first trimester ends at 14 weeks. That's the point at which risk of miscarriage is supposed to lessen dramatically, and it's also commonly the point that people will tell friends and family. Considering that the expectant couple may have seen their first ultrasound at week six or week eight, that's an incredible amount of time to keep a secret, and I think the strain may be getting to Martin a bit. We've decided that we will probably tell family and friends after week 12. I finish week 9 tomorrow, so we've got a ways to go yet.

I've never liked fuss and bother or being the center of attention, and I think that that plus the fear of miscarriage is what makes me not want to tell yet. (It also makes me dread the inevitable "baby bump" and I'm holding out hope that I'll be one of those ones who barely shows for months and months!) I've always preferred being the observer to being the one being observed - which is part of the reason we only had ten guests at our wedding! But I've got a month or two now to come to terms with the fact that at some point this year, people will start asking me personal questions, and strangers will know something personal about me that I haven't told them. That bothers me more than it probably should, but I guess I'll get over it.

(However, woe betide he or she who touches my belly without permission - I know several karate moves that can put you on the floor with very little exertion!)

The person who is the first to know about a new pregnancy, outside of the expectant parents of course, is probably the mother of the woman who is pregnant. That is not an option for me - most people reading this blog will already know that my mother died when I was a child. I would imagine that the loss is felt most strongly at two points in a woman's life - marriage and pregnancy. I've been through one without her already, and it did hurt. The other is starting to as well. I will ask my friends and family, though, when they finally read this, not to try to take my mother's place in this journey. She can't be part of it, and I would much prefer that you be you, and not try to replace that which is gone.