"Time Heals All Wounds". Fortunately no one has said that to me for a very long time. It's not exactly a true statement, and as I buried my parents before I was a teenager I think I'm qualified to say that. More than two decades on and it'll still make me cry under the right circumstances.
Quinn will be the same, I think. A month on from learning of her death (I think of her as a her for some reason, and simply can't say "it" anymore), and scarcely three weeks from her birth and burial, I can now think of her and of the pregnancy without crying (sometimes) and look toward trying again, but she will always be my first born. Nothing will change the fact that I gave birth that night, and held her, and cried over her, and buried her. I cry less frequently than I did a few weeks ago, and can read posts from fellow miscarriers - if that's a word - on my online group, but I'm far from fully recovered. Does one recover from the loss of a child? Even if most people never know of the child's existence, and those who do know might not have considered her a full child yet?
I considered her a child. My future children will know about her. They even have a book about that on Amazon, now, apparently, a children's book called "Someone Came Before You". Would that be damaging for a child to know? I suppose it depends on the child. After all, if we had had a child already when I became pregnant with Quinn, he or she would have known about the pregnancy.
My boss told me on Friday that two of the faculty's wives are expecting babies this fall. It was said in the context of needing to make adjustments to the fall class schedule, but it was also said, in my opinion, with complete disregard for the fact that three weeks ago I left a message on her voice mail at 7 in the morning saying "I won't be coming in to work today, I have been expecting a miscarriage and it happened last night." I am not good at coming up with the right response to a comment immediately. I wish I had said "I was expecting one in fall as well - I would rather not discuss the topic right now" or something like that, to remind her that HEY! I HAVE FEELINGS. Thanks for stomping all over them.
Unfortunately, I am not yet at the point where I could say something like that without bursting into tears, and I hate (with a passion!) crying in public. I know the topic is going to come up again. Do I do the "stiff upper lip" thing and keep the pain inside, trying not to listen to the conversations about babies and ducking out of the inevitable post-birth office visit? Or do I say what I really think and risk making a complete and soggy fool of myself in an office that I have to stay in 40 hours a week?
I wish prenatal advice came with a comment like "Congratulations on your pregnancy. Please be aware that others around you may not be able to share your joy. Many people suffer from infertility and infant loss and are uncomfortable listening to the news of a healthy pregnancy. Be considerate of those around you when sharing your good news and updates."
Would it be uncouth to put that on a T-shirt?
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