Eddie is three weeks old now, and when we take him out people are often interested in him. We get asked three questions often: "How old is he?" "What did you name him?" and the question i have always hated: "Is he your first?"
How do I answer this?
Yes, he is my first live birth.
No, he was not my first pregnancy. He wasn't even my second.
Yes, he is my first baby that I can watch breathing at night.
No, he is not my first baby that I have held.
Yes, this is my first experience with breastfeeding, changing diapers, and 3 AM wake-ups.
But it shouldn't have been.
Still - I wouldn't trade him for anything.
Birth after loss is such a complex knot of emotions. If we hadn't lost the first pregnancy, we probably wouldn't have moved to America when we did, and who knows when we might have tried for a younger sibling. If we hadn't lost Quinn, we certainly wouldn't have Edward, because the pregnancies would have overlapped. And I can't imagine not having Edward. He is so, so special and wonderful and everything I could have hoped for.
That's all a bit much to give a stranger who has asked what she thinks is a simple and innocent question. So we simply say "yes, he is."
And a little part of me hurts every time we have to say it.
No comments:
Post a Comment